Now Look What You've Done
by Midnight Soliloquy
Summary: Nnoitora makes a grave error from which Szayelaporro suffers.  Though not in silence, oh no.  Aizen, as usual, is merely amused by the tantrums of his pets.
1. In Which Teacups Are Abused

**A/N:** Well well well, it's been quite some time! Here I am...in college...bored...with nothing but Hulu for entertainment. The return to anime was inevitable, I suppose.

I don't know where this little piece of nonsense came from...well yes, actually, I do, suffice to say it was not what I intended to be writing, but Misao and I struck up a conversation about how utterly squicky this pair was, both individually and together, and how wouldnt it be funny if they had little squick babies together? Hence, muse barfs this. And after I have been trying to turn out some cute ShunUki for a good month now. She says, "MWAHAHAHA, SPICES! You shall not write the fluffy cuddles, but the MPREG ESPADA SQUICKINESS!" Go figure.

Well, the ShunUki will turn up eventually, I suppose. ByaRen is also very highly likely. Oh, little me who used to watch Bleach when I was oh so innocent, it's time to yaoi this bitch up. ;)

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><p><strong>In Which Teacups Are Abused (And Also Nnoitora's Face)<strong>

"You!" Szayelaporro shrieked, leveling an accusing finger at Nnoitora as he stormed into the espada meeting. Pink hair sticking up at odd angles, golden eyes crazed behind slightly askew glasses, and every fiber of his being quivering with rage, Szayelaporro marched over to the Quinto Espada and clocked him across the face with the rather large notebook he had had tucked under his arm, knocking Nnoitora from his chair. The entire table fell silent as confusion and amusement overtook the remaining espada.

"What the hell was that for?" Nnoitora hollered from the floor, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What am I doing?" Szayelaporro cried, nearing hysterics, "What am I _doing? _What have you _DONE_, Nnoitora Jiruga? You useless piece of shit son of a mother fucker—!" He whacked Nnoitora with the notebook, and when Nnoitora opened his mouth to speak, Szayelaporro whacked him again. "YOU UTTER SHIT," he wailed, pressing his palm to his stomach, "YOU'VE GOTTEN ME PREGNANT, YOU PIG!"

"Oh my," said Gin, his characteristic grin, if possible, stretching even wider. Grimmjow snorted and burst into hysterical laughter. Ulquiorra blinked. Aizen just raised an eyebrow and smirked. Nnoitora, for his part, seemed to be taking it rather well. If gaping wordlessly like a fish counted at "rather well." Szayel's narrow chest was heaving, and there was a wild glint to his eye that signaled this tantrum was not over just yet.

"Uh…" said Nnoitora eloquently.

With a wordless scream, Szayelaporro snatched a teacup off the table and dashed it to the floor. "You've ruined me, Jiruga! RUINED ME! I've done _tests,_" he shook his notebook in Nnoitora's face to emphasize his point, "Scores and scores of _carefully regulated tests._ This should not have happened!" He threw the notebook in the air and clutched wildly at his hair. "Only you, Nnoitora, ONLY YOU could fuck something up THIS BADLY! SHUT THE FUCK UP GRIMMJOW OR I WILL RIP YOU INTO SO MANY PIECES THEY WILL NEVER FIND ALL OF YOU!"

Grimmjow stopped laughing.

"Szayel," Nnoitora croaked, finally able to get a word in now that the rampaging Octava Espada had been distracted.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING SPEAK TO ME, YOU PIECE OF DIRT!" Szayelaporro howled, slamming his foot down on Nnoitora's face. "YOU. LITTLE. WORM." He punctuated each word with a stomp. "YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING, NNOITORA, ALL, OOH, I'M SO HANDSOME! OOH, SZAYEL, I ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR PRETTY YOUNG MEN LIKE YOU, I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL REEEAAL GOOD!" Grimmjow giggled, the laughter he was restraining threatening to break loose. Ulquiorra's foot ground down hard on his, and the only thing that escaped Grimmjow's mouth was a squeak. "WELL LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, FUCKER! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! SEE IF I EVER LISTEN TO YOU AND YOUR OBSCENELY TALENTED TONGUE EVER AGAIN! YOU LEECH! YOU SWINE! YOU'RE LOWER THAT A MANGE-RIDDEN RAT, YOU MAGGOT THAT CRAWLED OUT OF A CORPSE'S ASS!" Szayelaporro was practically dancing on Nnoitora's face, eyes wide with maniacal rage as a raving litany of shrieks and insults continued to pour from his mouth.

"Szayelaporro," Aizen finally said, in that quiet and utterly infuriating way of his, when the integrity of Nnoitora's facial structure was starting to become iffy. Szayel paused with one bloodied foot in the air and fixed Aizen with a chilly glare to rival the king of Hueco Mundo's own. "I would appreciate it," Aizen said, "If you would refrain from damaging him irreparably." Szayelaporro raised a skeptical eyebrow. "He's quite useful."

That did it.

"USEFUL?" Szayelaporro screamed, and in a fit of either unparalleled bravery or utter stupidity, he snatched another teacup from the table and chucked it at Aizen's head. The Lord of Hueco Mundo dodged it calmly as Szayel continued to scream. "_USEFUL? _MORE LIKE USE_LESS!" _He dragged Nnoitora up by his collar and proceeded to shake him so hard his head rattled. "THE MOST USELESS FUCKING WORM ON THE FACE OF THE _PLANET_!" Szayelaporro dropped him unceremoniously back to the floor and dug his heel into Nnoitora's cheek one last time for good measure. Still visibly seething, he turned on his heel (the one still embedded in Nnoitora's face), and stormed to the door, throwing his arms up with an enraged cry. His shrieks and curses and the sound of breaking objects echoed back down the hallway after him.

Utter silenced reigned, save for the occasional gurgled groans of the profusely bleeding Nnoitora.

"Well," said Aizen to his table full of shell shocked espada, calmly brushing teacup fragments off of the table in front of him. "Where were we? Nnoitora, please return to your seat. What on earth do you think you're doing, lying about like that? We haven't got all day to tolerate your lollygagging and nonsense, you know."


	2. In Which Names Are Called

**A/N: **I really wasn't planning on adding any more to this. I really wasn't. But Gin's entrance just popped into my head...and it was too good of a line to pass up. So, without further ado, more copious Nnoitora abuse. Gee...I almost feel sorry for him. xD

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><p><strong>In Which Names Are Called (That May Or May Not Be True)<strong>

Nowadays, wherever Szayelaporro went, chaos followed, the music of curses and shrieks trailing behind. Nnoitora could hear him coming a mile away. And when the Octava Espada rounded the corner, Nnoitora did the only respectable thing there was to be done in such a situation: he fled.

"_Where do you think you're going?"_

Nnoitora froze and winced. "Uh…hey, Szayel," he muttered, turning to face Szayelaporro with the same hesitant caution one would use to approach a rampaging rhinoceros.

Szayel's face contorted angrily. "Uh, hey? Is that all you have to say to me, you bastard? _I am carrying your child, you disgusting spoon head!"_

Nnoitora's temper flared. "Oh, spoon head, like I haven't heard _that_ before, gay hair!" he spat.

Szayelaporro flushed with rage. "I can't choose the color of my hair, you dumbass beanpole!"

"FREAK!"

"SIX ARMS!"

"PURPLE LIPSTICK!"

"WHALE TEETH!"

"FOUR EYES!"

"REAL CREATIVE, YOU ONE EYED INSECT!"

"YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT A SQUIGGLY SEX JELLYFISH!"

Szayelaporro's lips tightened into a thin, flat line. _"What did you call me?" _he hissed, voice gone low and dangerous."

Nnoitora's mouth twisted upwards into a large, sly grin. "I said," he declared with a decided tone of relish, "That you are a squiggly, slimy, squicky, gross, oozing _sex jellyfish._"

"SIP, FORNICARAS!"

Gin followed the trail of destruction and screams that inevitably led to Szayelaporro, and discovered the Octava Espada, decidedly grim, methodically squashing Nnoitora's organs one by one between his fingertips. "Whoa, whoa there Szayelaporro!" the ex-shinigami said calmly, patting the air gently with his hands, "Calm down now, we jus' got his face fixed."

Szayelaporro growled and clenched his fist tighter around the little doll in his hands. Nnoitora choked and sputtered and coughed up something that looked like a bit of lung.

"Szayel," Gin coaxed soothingly, "C'mon now, how 'bout sealin' up Fornicaras, hmm? Can't be good for the baby, yeah?" Szayel gave another dark growl but complied, letting go of his Resurreccion state and sheathing his sword. "Goooood," Gin praised, "Gooood. Now let tha' lil' doll go, why don't cha?" Szayel looked down at the doll in his hands and curled his lip. He spat at the prone form of Nnoitora on the ground, and with a snarl he turned on his heel and stalked off, slamming the doll into the wall. "Well," Gin said thoughtfully, "Tha's one way t' do it."

"I think…he broke…my spine," Nnoitora gasped out, wallowing in the growing puddle of blood on the floor. "And my spleen…definitely that…"

"For goodness' sake," Gin drawled, "Don't be such a crybaby."


End file.
